I've started going to therapy for the first time. I've had different life coaches in the past, and honestly they were great for those seasons in my life, but this is my first proper in-person therapy. Literally how it looks like in movies. Me sitting on a couch, my therapist leaning back in a chair, notepad in hand. It's nice. So I'm probably going to use this blog as a way of keeping myself accountable (while trying not to overshare) and really get my money's worth.

Some random observations after two sessions:

I notice I put on a bit of my old New York accent when I talk to her. Like "yoo know, I tawk like dis." Jenine says my old accent slips on whenever I'm really passionate about something. Maybe it's the accent I'm actually most comfortable with? Idk, I think I've lost a lot of my accent over the years, but going back to it feels…comfortable, I guess. Can't think of a better word.

I like having everything figured out before my therapy sessions so that during the session itself, I can impress my therapist with how self-aware I am. Yeah. I know how that sounds. I try to give her bite-sized contained narratives when talking about my childhood. Very structured storytelling. Beginning, middle, end, act one, act two, act three, that type of jazz. All those screenwriting books really got to me. But I notice she's been pushing me to be less…put together. Life is messy. Not all stories have neatly wrapped up endings. She wants me to just sit in the emotions and feel things, rather than barreling straight towards a resolution.

My old life coach was very direct. Gave me lots of great solutions and to-do's. Now, I catch myself trying to "get ahead" of my new therapist and offering a solution for myself before she can. What am I tryna race her or something? I was initially worried that this would be the type of therapy where I yap for fifty minutes, she nods, then collects the check. And it's only been two sessions, so I have been doing a lot of yapping. But it's nice to have a therapist that isn't so focused on quick solutions, but rather diving deep into every emotion and not skipping over any feelings. Yuck.

She wants me to feel things? I mean, I'm okay with feeling things. I cry during movies. I can be vulnerable and honest…to a point. I've shared so many personal stories with people about my childhood, my upbringing, my relationship with my dad, and it really gives the impression that I'm an open book. But all these stories I share are finished narratives. Every tale I tell has a point to it. A nicely wrapped moral bow on top. But I don't share all the unresolved shit I'm going through. I keep that a secret until I figure it out. Then I can present it to people as one of my many emotional accomplishments.

So maybe I'm not as honest as I thought. Either way, I'm excited to keep going and breaking new emotional ground within myself. Thanks for reading these random thoughts.