2004. My siblings and I are staying over at my uncle and aunt's house for two weeks while my parents are in China to adopt my youngest sister. I figured this would be the perfect time to make my first movie: the David and Birdy movie. My magnum opus for sure. I had been making short videos with my brother (who plays David) and a purple bird puppet named Birdy (played by me).

I didn't understand how to edit videos yet, so I planned on just hitting start and stop on my uncle's mini-DV camcorder until I had an entire movie. Halfway through my stay, I calculated in my head how much time I needed to finish the movie. Because I was filming it chronologically, I needed x amount of days and nights, since my script took place over several days.

I didn't have enough.

My aunt found me kicking and crying in my bunkbed that night. I did this a lot as a kid. I hated going to sleep at night. There was sooooo many things I needed to do, and instead of doing them, I had to stare at my apartment's ceiling as my mind raced. So I would squirm and cry until I wore myself out. My siblings never said anything, but we talked about it as adults and they said it was weird.

"What's wrong, Josh?" my aunt asked.

I explained to her my predicament.

"Well, you know you can shoot all your night scenes in one night, and all your day scenes during the day, right? Then you can edit it in the proper order."

I didn't know that.

I calmed down. Everything was going to be alright. I was going to finish my movie.

Twenty-two years have passed, and I can't remember why I needed to make that movie. No one was forcing me to make it. There were no deadlines, no strict teachers. I wrote the script myself so I could've adjusted it before I knew how to edit. Yet when I was eleven years old, finishing the David and Birdy movie was the most important thing in my life.

I never dealt with my night stress. My solution as I got older was just not going to sleep and working until I passed out. I would pat myself on the back for being a hard worker, but in reality, I was just incredibly inefficient.

I used to think that in order to deal with my past trauma, I needed to go back and remember exactly what happened. Well, good luck with that, present-day Josh. I have no idea why I'm like this. Something turned on my engine and I've been running ever since. If I had to guess, it's probably because I wanted to make movies and cartoons as my job, and for some reason, I decided I needed to start now at age eleven.

It doesn't matter how I became like this. It matters how I fix it.

But maybe I shouldn't fix it. Maybe it's good that I'm this way. Maybe without this constant stress, I wouldn't be as successful as I am right now. I mean, c'mon. Tubby Nugget has 13 million followers. You don't get that without pulling all-nighters, right? If it's a competition (which it isn't, of course), then all I have to do to beat my competition is outspend them in time and energy and NEVER STOP WORKING.

I finally realized I don't want to be like this. It ain't a fun way to live. Also, as much as I pride myself on working hard, I don't. I procrastinate. I play a lot of video games. I scroll a lot on TikTok. In fact, I think I would be a much more efficient worker if I just chilled out and stuck to a regular schedule. But instead, I have to find the perfect Youtube video while I draw, or the perfect podcast while I do the dishes, lest I get bored and lose all motivation to do anything unless it's interesting.

I lost my copy of the David and Birdy movie ages ago. It's funny to think about it in hindsight: all my fears and anxieties at eleven years old, spent on a forgotten MOV file.

It would be extremely infuriating if I discovered that stress and anxiety was optional this entire time. Or that I actually work better without them. Ha. That would be hilarious. If this is true, the only reason I would continue stressing is pride. It's like discovering I've been poisoned for years, but refusing to take the antidote because I'm "used to it." I notice when I let go of my pride, my stress also disappears. Hmm. Wonder if there's a correlation. Anyways, I'm choosing the antidote today. And hopefully tomorrow. No guarantees though. This is a pretty recent development in my personal growth, so we'll see if this sticks. Ask Jenine, she's my litmus test.